Bring It On

I’ve really been struggling the last few days. I just feel “off.” I’ve been impatient. I’ve been questioning everything. There has been no peace, only angst. I realize this is not God’s desire or plan for my life. This is my sinful nature shining through. This is the Enemy’s plan. He only seeks to kill and destroy. I knew at the start of this year that it was going to be a year of great change, I knew that it would be difficult. Trust is not my strongpoint. I could delve into the whys and wherefores, but none of that truly matters. What matters is that God demands that I trust Him, trust Him as I did in my youth, trust Him as never before. This is going to be hard for me. It’s likely going to be 2 steps forward, 3 steps back most of the year. But, I look forward to the final outcome of this journey, a journey that will last far beyond the end of 2011.

I always listen to music, always. Generally I have Disney music on. And if not Disney, I generally listen to 50’s music, Big Band, Sinatra, Classical or Dallas Holm. Tonight when trying to decide what I wanted to listen to I was drawn to my Steven Curtis Chapman playlist. I really wasn’t thinking about my choice, I just went for the first that that caught my attention. I was running around the house, fixing dinner, taking care of the dogs, getting myself something to drink and not really sitting at my computer. When I first sat down to actually listen the song “Bring It On” was playing. I remember when I first bought this album, I loved that song. It always got to me, but I had forgotten about it. I was just singing along, not thinking much about it, until it got to this line “Bring it on; Let me be made weak so I’ll know the strength of the One who’s strong.” Wow, huh?

And, suddenly I knew why I played this list, why I was so preoccupied and this song just “happened” to be the one playing when I sat down. It wasn’t chance, it was Divine providence. Once again, God Almighty, reached out to speak to my torn, broken heart. He wanted to remind me to trust in Him. He wanted me to remember that trials are here for a reason. He wants me to LEAN on Him, not on myself. He wants, no needs, my total dependence on Him. Suddenly, I understood, my eyes were opened. I can see what’s going on, clearly. Things aren’t going my way, but what about God’s way? I said I wanted to learn to trust Him again, but I had forgotten the personal sacrifice that requires on my part. I have to be willing to sacrifice myself, my wants, my needs, my dreams. I have to be willing to lean, completely, on the never failing arms of the Lord. I have to trust that every trial, every negative, He will work out for good. I have to put my faith in God’s promises. I have to remember that God truly never fails. I have to remember that even though I may not see it now, there is a silver lining, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. God does have a plan for my life and even if I don’t know what it is, He does, and that’s all I need to know.

Sometimes this is hard medicine to swallow. For me, this is ALWAYS hard medicine to swallow. I plan everything, I try to think out every possible outcome, negative, positive, be prepared for every contingency. This is not how life works as a child of God, as a follower of Christ. I must follow and obey, without question, with complete childlike faith. It will be interesting to see how this develops, how I do, how often I get angry and question. Thankfully the God I serve is ok with questions. He still loves me and accepts me for who I am.

Bring It On lyrics:

I didn’t come lookin’ for trouble

And I don’t want to fight needlessly

But I’m not gonna hide in a bubble

If trouble comes for me

I can feel my heart beating faster

I can tell something’s coming down

But if it’s gonna make me grow stronger then…

Bring it on

Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow

Bring it on

Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong

Bring it on

Now, maybe you’re thinkin’ I’m crazy

And maybe I need to explain some things

‘Cause I know I’ve got an enemy waiting

Who wants to bring me pain

But what he never seems to remember

What he means for evil God works for good

So I will not retreat or surrender

Now, I don’t want to sound like some hero

‘Cause it’s God alone that my hope is in

But I’m not gonna run from the very things

That would drive me closer to Him

So bring it on

Bring it on

Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow

Bring it on

Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who’s strong

Bring it on

Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow

Bring it on

Let me be made weak so I’ll know the strength of the One who’s strong

Bring it on

Bring it on

Listen to the song on YouTube:

Has it really been 2 months?

I can't believe I've let 2 months slip by without blogging. Oh my, bad blogger! In my defense, they've been a crazy 2 months. I ended February and started March with the flu. In the middle of March my brother and sis-in-law came to town for a few days with my nephew (he was born in November and this was the first time I met him). Within 2 weeks of that visit I took a trip with my sis-in-law to Ohio to help her bring her brother back home with her. Then April has been busy with looking for a new house (our lease ends in May) and then deciding to NOT move... Of course, I'm ALWAYS dreaming and planning our next vacation. Oh, almost forgot, I'm way ahead of schedule on my travel agent training. I may actually be done by the end of June verus the end of August. That makes me most happy! We also took our dogs to the vet over the last couple of months (our vet is 60 miles away, so it's quite the adventure). Not to mention that I babysat my parents dogs 2 or 3 times during that time frame. Yep, it's been busy! My hubby has been working late most nights, he's been putting in close to 12 hour days most every day. So, we're lucky to eat before 8pm. Most importantly, I've been doing lots of scrapbooking, digi mind you, but still LOTS of fun! I need to figure a way to pull out my paper supplies and make some pages that way too. I found a new digi community that I adore. You should check out Log Your Memory. They sell an awesome log book that helps you keep track of your daily memories as well as great chats and challenges. Yep, I like it there!

Upcoming plans? Well, my new travel agent goal is now to be finished with the training and license by the end of June and finish up the Disney portion of it (not sure what all this includes yet) by the end of August. We're planning to finish catching up on most of our bills from the unemployment period by the end of July. Hopefully, this coming fall, we'll be going on a vacation. That is still very much up in the air, but I'm trying my bestest to make it happen. I'm going to do some serious budget culling in order to increase vacation savings!

Insurance woes... Humana insurance is evil! Enough said. If we use in-network doctors, which means switching ALL of our doctors when we live in the same town where they are, and go to the other hospital network which has maybe half the choices and not as good of a reputation (plus, with my lung disorder, switching to a new doctor is just stupid) our deductible is still $2500 individual, $5000 family. If we use our doctors, doctors that we trust, have a relationship with and are comfortable with, our deductible goes up to $5000 individual, $15000 family. And our premiums aren't cheap either. We could get more affordable coverage going through private insurance. And yes, I do mean that our premiums AND deductibles would be less, not to mention that the coverage would be equivalent to what we currently have. Anyway, that's one of my HUGE frustrations right now... Affording a doctor's visit!

So, this weekend I get new glasses! :o) I scratched my current pair (which are 3 years old) really badly about 2 weeks ago now. I saw the eye doctor last week and my new contacts are in, now I just need the glasses. And I am so excited about it too! Lens Crafters here I come! :o)

This weekend is iNSD, enough said! :o)

Think on these things

So, getting out of my self-pity slump is easier said than done. Philippians 4:8 is a great verse to remind myself of in times like these. I learned this verse when I was 7 years old and in Prims. For those of you not familiar with Prims, go here: http://ngm.ag.org/ and you will find information on the updated version of the program. Keep in mind, I was 7 well over 20 years ago! So, in keeping with the verse, I am going to list the things in my life that are honest, true, just, pure, lovely, of a good report, have virtue and deserve praise.

• My husband
• Our 2 dogs
• A roof over my head
• Food in our fridge and cupboards
• A dependable car
• Fresh water
• Electricity
• My hubby's job
• Salvation
• My computer
• My iPod touch (I must admit, I adore this little gadget)
• Oatmeal Scotchies
• The sun is shining today!
• My job because it provides needed income and allows me to work from home
• Our espresso machine
• Central air
• Family, specifically my parents
• Relatively good health
• Digital cameras (I love to take pictures)
• Cherry coke
• Memories of vacations past
• The United States of America and freedom
• High-speed internet
• My glasses (I can't see without them!)
• A fenced-in yard
• Netflix
• Our washer and dryer
• Indoor plumbing
• My wireless phone
• The Holy Spirit

And the list could go on and on and on. Now, don't get me wrong, there are still things in my life that I'm not happy about, but most of those things are beyond my control. My problem is that I want to control the things that I cannot and I then choose to ignore what I can control - my attitude!

One of those days...

Do you ever have a day where no matter what you just feel blah, like you're not yourself? Well, that's me today. I've been fighting the flu for over a week now and all in all am getting better, but today my body is just worn down and achy. Our gray, cloudy weather is not helping my mood any either. It's one of those days where I feel as if I'm up against a wall with no where to go. It feels as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Yes, I realize all of this is drastic and not realistic. But, as I said, it's just one of those days. I need a vacation, a temporary break from the reality of life. Unfortunately money does not grow on trees and our money is already going in too many directions at once. Maybe next year we can take a vacation. I need to find the positives in today, in life, in this year, in everything. I tend to focus on the things that I cannot control and change and fret over them. I know that life truly isn't that bad, that I have more blessings than I deserve. But today, today I am having troubles seeing them. Today all I see is that I'm sick, with a stupid lung disorder and the flu. Today all I see is that I hate my job and long for something more but don't have a clue what. Today all I see is that vacation seems a million years away. Today all I see is that I seriously have NO one to call and just chat with, to go out for a cup of coffee with. Today all I see is that I'm not a mom and am not getting any younger. Today all I see is an old, worn out car and no money or credit to get a new one with. Today I feel alone, unimportant, unseen, unwanted and unneeded. The Bible tells me that I should rejoice ALWAYS, regardless of how I feel and what life's circumstances are. I know that in my head, but getting it to my heart, well today that is proving to be difficult. Today I seem to be enjoying wallowing in my own self pity and loathing too much to find joy in anything.

Tomorrow... Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow I am determined to throw off this gray mood and to find joy and beauty. Tomorrow I want to truly be able to say "the joy of the Lord is my strength." Tomorrow, with God's help, will be a new day, will be a better day, and I will be a better me. Many of the things I'm seeing today won't have changed, but the God I serve is faithful. I can honestly say that He has never failed me, He has never forsaken me. Tomorrow I need to be the woman that God created me to be. Tomorrow I need to cast off today, I need to change my attitude and outlook. I need to be joyful and thankful. Maybe I should start tomorrow today...

More to this life...

Lately I've been faced with quite the conundrum and am still finding no easy solution. I have this urge that my life is meant for more than what I am doing, that God has much bigger plans for me. I am faced with various talents and abilities that He has given me and I know that He means me to use these for the good of His Kingdom. But how? Where? What? Here I sit, closing in on 33 years old much more quickly than I care to admit and I still don't know. I used to be so certain of what God's call was on my life, but now I wonder if I heard Him correctly. Everytime it seemed that I was to move forward EVERYTHING fell apart, there were so many roadblocks and no open windows. So now, I wonder, did I hear Him correctly? What is my purpose in this life? Why did God place me on this earth? What are His plans for my life? My plans honestly do not matter. The only thing that really matters in this life is God's plan for me and my doing my best to live my life according to that plan. We are God's creation, here for His purpose, He created us to worship and serve Him. The worship part is easy, the serve part can prove more tricky. Sure, I serve Him in small ways, daily, but I know there is more that He wants from me! And I also know that until I discover what that is I will forever be in this state of limbo.

Disney Dreaming

The plans are being made, just in the early stages mind you, for our next great Disney adventure. We have discussed what all we'd like to do, how long we want to stay, and have figured out how much it will cost. Our next step is to determine if our BIG trip is worth waiting for (it will take a year for us to save up, assuming finances stay as they are now) or if we would rather cut down and go in early December. Now that IS a dilemma!

In case you're interested, the next time we go we'd like to:

• Stay for 2 weeks
• Buy a 4-day 2-park Universal Studios pass, the Harry Potter area will be open! :o)
• Go to Sea World
• Spend a day at Discovery Cove
• Go to the beach, I'm voting for Cocoa and Ron Jon's
• Stay at a moderate Disney resort (not including the days we'll spend at other parks)
• Disney Dining Plan (for the win!)
• Park Hopper with Water Parks and more option
• Flying is a given
• Rental car (no taxis or depending on park transportation, we're too impatient!)
• Board our dogs
• Have plenty of souvenir money :o)

Unfortunately, those things cost money, and we'll need time to save. We could always cut down the length of our stay and cut out Sea World altogether as well as cut our Universal pass to only 2 days... Or, since Allegiant now flys to MCO, we could just do Disney again and use the Magical Express and Disney transportation. Unfortunately, that will cut down on our time to be actually on park, so that is something to seriously consider. As well, we could leave the dogs with my parents, but they are so stressed right now I don't know if they're up to watching 4 dogs (they already have 2).

Anyway, the plan is this... starting March 1 we are going to STICK to our budget and save save save. We have several bills we still need to pay off from the time without work, so those are top priority. And my husband really needs a new computer so we won't be putting that off for a vacation. I guess only time will tell which option we go for. I bet a lot of it ends up banking on our stress levels. It's been nearly 18 months since our last vacation and we desperately need one! The good news is, we have a general time frame - no more than 1 year from now - until we can go again!

Dreams

I have so many dreams, always have. I'm not referring to dreams while sleeping, but those hopes for your future, things you want to happen. With me now? My dreams have changed over the years. If you ask a child what they dream about, what they want for their future, it generally will be greatly different than what an adult will say. The upcoming Winter Olympics remind me of a dream I've had since I was about 8, to be a figure skater. I remember seeing the Icecapades with my Girl Scout troup and when I first learned how to ice skate. It was over for me, I KNEW I wanted to be a figure skater. Unfortunately my parents were unable to afford the lessons, so it never happened. What's funny is that I still want to be a figure skater! Granted, I am too old to become a world-class skater now, but, I still could learn more than my basic skills!

Another dream I've always had since childhood is to be a mother. Yet again, this dream has not yet been realized. Lord willing, this will change soon! The older I get the more anxious I get (yes, I know, biological clock...), but it doesn't change the dream. As crazy as I am, I want 4 children (2 boys, 2 girls). I used to just want 4 children, NOT twins, but as I get older twins sound good! Time is running out, biology is kicking in. My husband is in his 40's and I'm in my 30's. Granted, not too old, but we're getting there. I have 4 step-kids ages 20, 15, 14 and 12. So, I think I feel older than I truly am due to the step-kids!

I always dream of Walt Disney World. Disney World is my most favorite place in the entire world. As I've said before, Disney is magical. It is the one place where I can get away from the reality of life and be a kid again. The last time I went to Disney was December 2008. I'd go again, tomorrow, if I could. Unfortunately budget seems to say that the next time we will be able to go is sometime in 2011. We have so many bills to catch up on from my hubby not having a job for nearly a year. And, it's going to take some more time!

The Bible talks about dreams for the future, about desires and hopes. In Psalm 37: 4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" There are many other references I could list, but my point is that God has a plan for my life, for your life. God will, if I allow Him to, lead and guide me, make His desires my desires, and ultimately direct me down the path He has for me. Sometimes, all too often, when it comes to the serious stuff this is hard to follow. I tend to want to take back control, to not trust God, to not believe that He has my future in His hands, that He has my best interests at heart. I need to trust more, question less, listen more, follow more and stop leading. My future is in God's control, and thus my dreams are at His mercy. Do I truly want a dream of mine fulfilled if it's not in God's plan for my life?